This Thing Called Life

     Last week I was put on Lexapro to help control my panic attacks and depression. I already feel better in that department. At my Neuro visit last week he wanted me to get my blood drawn which included a CBC, liver function panel, and a smooth muscle antibody. Everything came back great except for my CBC. My MPV was high (13) which can indicate I'm fighting an autoimmune disorder or maybe my medication just elevates it, which is what I'm hoping for. Also my monos were elevated which indicates I could be fighting an infection. After work I dropped off a copy of my results to his office so hopefully I can get an appointment to talk with him. I'm hoping this is nothing serious. It just seems like as soon as I start getting better, something in my life happens and screws everything up.

     Thursday I took off from work to finally get my eye exam and order glasses. I have an astigmatism but no signs of glaucoma or cataracts which is always good considering my family members have all kinds of vision issues. I also had my 6 month follow up with my neurologist. I have been seizure free for one year and some change so he decided we will continue with the Keppra to control those. While I was at my appointment I decided to discuss this anxious feeling I constantly have and how recently I've been having panic attacks on the interstate and in large stores like Wal-Mart. Anxiety is something I've always dealt with but here lately it has become very bad. Panic attacks are new to me. I've been feeling lonely and sad. At night I cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I think I'm actually depressed (not just feeling sad type of depressed) so hopefully this Lexapro will help with both issues. I'm tired of feeling this way. I just want to be myself again, carefree and h

     When I first got dumped I put on this front like I'm okay but in reality I'm not. I was drinking alcohol like a fish, taking Xanax when I didn't need it, and I was seeking attention from guys for all of the wrong reasons. I'm miserable. I feel like no one wants me and I'm going to die alone. All I do is work and to occupy my time and mind I've been trying to find another part time job just so I can be around people and feel less pathetic. It completely sucks when you love someone and give them your all and then they just leave you like you never mattered or even existed in their life. The truth of the matter is that I'm not ready to move on or meet guys. I don't even want a booty call. I want to share life with someone and build memories. I want to get married some day and have kids. At this point in my life, which is a really low point, I feel like none of that will ever happen because no one wants me. I'm depressed but I haven't resorted b