This Thing Called Life

     Recently I have really been struggling with my anxiety and depression. I work with two doctors by myself and I am also the phlebotomist.I'm literally working just to pay bills. I have never been able to enjoy a check and spend it on whatever I want.  I try to vent my feelings to my boyfriend he turns everything around on me and makes me out to be the bad person for feeling that way or he disregards my feelings and starts talking about his. He seems like a narcissist which I'm looking more into. I have been through a lot in the last 5 years and they have been the worst 5 years of my life. I try to explain to him how I'm different mentally but he never listens. It is a waste of time for me to continue trying to explain how I feel or why I act the way I do. In between trying to live life on the daily I am also trying to be healthier and workout instead of placing myself on the back burner. I'm just so overwhelmed. I constantly battle these demons in my head. I have...

     This past weekend was eventful to say the least. Moving is always a stressful process as well as the aftermath. My new home is a mad house. There are boxes, bags, and totes everywhere. I know eventually everything will find its place but trying to organize and do this after work each evening has been draining. Leaving my childhood home of 27 years is hard but I'm grateful I have the memories in my heart. I never realized how much stuff I had in my house until I had to pack and unpack the moving truck. I plan on going through everything and donating things I no longer use or want. I'm turning the page and starting a new chapter.

     Since a new year has started and it has been a year and some change since losing my father, I decided it was time to get my life back on track. I started thoroughly going through each room in my house and donating or throwing away items that I no longer need or use. It feels great. It is also a good feeling finding places for my dads things where I can still see them and think of our memories. Last year I kept a lot of his things hidden because I didn't want to think of him being gone. I'm slowly coming around and realizing that although he is gone here on earth, he is always going to be in my heart. I never realized how much junk I had and I also didn't realize how cluttered and unorganized I had become in the last year. The only thing left to do is put my new computer desk together and clean out what is in my current desk. It feels good to finally start being myself again and getting my life in order.

     As I write this blog entry, I realize that this is my last week here at my job that I once loved. Last month right before Thanksgiving I was suspended from work for a week without pay due to a co-worker reporting to the HR department that I was sleeping or appeared to be sleeping at my desk. They suspended me before even getting my side of the story or even investigating the incident, which was never true to begin with. There were multiple witnesses who stated that I was never sleeping but that is over and done with. It seemed like ever since that incident occurred that I was getting picked on more and more at work for things, some of which I wasn't even involved in. So with the stress adding up from the first incident to staff messages regarding things I had no idea about or no control over, I put in my two week notice.      At first I was sad that I was giving my notice but when I went to my manager, she grabbed the piece of paper and just...

     Lately I find myself asking "what am I doing with my life" more and more. I quit my job because I need a mental break. I have been trying to get my dads assets and finances straight, along with packing some of my things, selling his things, and trying to maintain my bills and household. I shouldn't have stopped working but I seriously was not here. I was just existing. The day my father passed away I was out for that whole week but it wasn't a fun week. I was planning his memorial and looking for documents and all kinds of things. When I ask myself what am I doing with my life, I don't know if it is in general or if I am just looking for things I need to change. I know for a fact I'm not happy. I've gained a lot of weight, I feel like crap, and my motivation does not exist. The fact that I failed my entrance exam for the RN program by ONE POINT doesn't help either. I just want to be happy. I want to be healthy and feel good. I want to make others ...

     Recently I found this awesome YouTube channel called Exploring with Josh and it made me realize how many places are out in the world waiting to be discovered. I would love to be able to document different places I explore and learn the history of certain places. His videos are awesome and they make me step back and think about what I want to do in my lifetime. Yea I love being a nurse and I am very proud to have made it through nursing school, but the history and stories about some of these places he goes to is better than any textbook. I need to get over my fear of flying and start saving to go on my own journeys. I love abandoned buildings and finding random old homes in the backwoods down old county roads. Any time I stop in an old store established by generations of family or pass by old barns or homes, I always wonder what the families were like that lived there and how many memories they had made. I also tend to wonder why some places, including whole citi...

     Today I received an email from my loan officer regarding my school loans. Since I was supposed to graduate last month and didn't, I had to update my enrollment status. I decided to look at my account details and see exactly how much my loan for them was....a whopping $19,933.70. I almost threw up. That is a lot of money. I'm already paying $50 a month on my Sallie Mae loans for school, and now seeing this number makes me nervous. It sucks that I am trying to have a career and make more money to take care of myself and buy myself nice things but for the next 5-10 years of my life it will all go back to paying off my student loans. I am proud to be going to school but at the same time, I see why people don't want to go to college or trade school. Everything in this country costs so much money and it seems like we are being financially punished for wanted a trade or a career with skills. So with all of this being said, I really want to try and work more to start se...

     Life is always going to throw curve balls, sometimes when we least expect it. The one thing I have learned after facing all of the challenges I've been through in just 24 years of life is to never give up. The curve balls life has thrown at me throughout the years is the main reason I strive to be independent and work hard. No matter what goals I set for myself, I work hard to make those around me proud and especially myself. Some months, I don't even know how I'm going to put gas in my car or pay my car note. Amazingly it all works out some how and it falls into place. I keep telling myself I'm doing what I can. I'm going to school to better myself, have an amazing career, and help those in need. I love school. I love being a CNA. I love depending on myself to pay my bills and put food in my gut. Once I'm a nurse and I actually make a decent wage per hour, most of my financial stress will go away. We all have those days when we want to quit, give up, or th...

     This weekend I will be moving out and beginning a new life journey on my own. It is bittersweet because I'm ready to start being even more independent but at the same time, I love my parents and family and it will take some getting used to without them around. For the most part they seem happy for me though. I plan on getting the carpet and paint tomorrow evening and laying it on Saturday after I help my nana. I'm getting more and more excited. I can't wait to come home from work and cook dinner, clean, and be a home body.      One of the biggest reasons I'm excited to finally move in is the travel time/distance I drive every day. My mom lives in a city about 20-25 minutes from my work. I drive to work and back home 4 days a week. Then on weekends I stay at my dads which is in the city I work at so the only driving I do is for shopping or other errands. I can't wait to be able to go HOME. One place. No more packing weekend bags for my dads o...

     Everywhere I look, there is a pregnant lady or a lady with a baby or babies. When I graduated, there were a few pregnant girls in the mix and some became new mothers after high school. My Facebook news feed is a haven for pregnancies. I do not have an issue with this, but it does make me realize how glad I am not to have a child or children right now. The number one reason that I'm glad I'm not a young mother is finances. I'm not financially capable of raising a child based on my jobs pay or my boyfriends. Even combined, we would not be able to pay our bills and baby bills as well. They are expensive. There is a new study out that says it costs nearly half of a million dollars to raise a child until they are 18. That is money that I just do not have right now. The second reason I'm glad I'm not pushing a stroller is my education. I'm going to college to get a career before even thinking of starting a family. Another thing I've been thinking about lately...

     After tonights clinical we only have 4 clinical days left until we can send in our stuff for state. Holy canolies, Time has really flown by. I'm kind of nervous about state only because we never know what skills we will get. I want to reward myself if I pass state on the first try but I don't know what to do. Should I have a party or go on a shopping spree? Go out to dinner or take a vacation? I don't know. I do know that I deserve SOMETHING for all of my hard work and dedication while working full time and taking care of my grandma. It's so awesome helping these people with daily tasks. It's even more awesome when they thank you and act so grateful for what you've done. I've realized that I'm kind of thankful for not being friends with some of the people I hung out with in high school because of where they are at in life compared to me. I got my life together pretty quickly after high school and some people just act like the world owes them somethi...

     Having four days off seemed nice. It would have been nice if I actually got to do nothing but lay on the beach and relax (which I did for a couple of hours). My grandma came home Thursday. I helped my mom get her into the house and situated. I left after to meet my dad and other relatives at the beach. An hour later, my mom calls and says my grandma went back to the hospital because she was having breathing issues and turning grey/blue. So I ended up leaving the beach because that was all I could think about. She came home again and was fine until Saturday. Saturday morning I did my usual routine of draining her catheter bag, making her coffee, giving her medicine, and helping her get up. She did pretty good. Then later that evening, my gut instinct told me to check on her. I'm glad I did. Somehow, her catheter tube came out. Not the entire catheter because there wasn't blood everywhere, so I knew that the balloon was still inside. But she freaked out when I tol...

     My cna lecture portion is coming to a close quickly. We have to get checked off on 6 skills tonight. Last night I got checked off on 3. I didn't get checked off on the "use of a bedpan" skill because of people laughing and screwing around. It completely threw off my concentration. It pissed me off. I try to be respectful when people are getting checked off and I thought that was pretty rude. So I plan on doing that one again tonight along with counting respirations, radial pulse, and a few others. I haven't practiced any of the other skills I didn't mention. She showed us how to feed them with the food tray but I forgot what she did already. And the other ones like foot care and mouth care are pretty easy. I saw some people perform those last night. I kind of just want to get this cna class out of the way already. It drains me to sit at work for 7 hours and then go there and learn so much in one sitting. I really hope I pass the state exam.    ...