This Thing Called Life

     Recently I have really been struggling with my anxiety and depression. I work with two doctors by myself and I am also the phlebotomist.I'm literally working just to pay bills. I have never been able to enjoy a check and spend it on whatever I want.  I try to vent my feelings to my boyfriend he turns everything around on me and makes me out to be the bad person for feeling that way or he disregards my feelings and starts talking about his. He seems like a narcissist which I'm looking more into. I have been through a lot in the last 5 years and they have been the worst 5 years of my life. I try to explain to him how I'm different mentally but he never listens. It is a waste of time for me to continue trying to explain how I feel or why I act the way I do. In between trying to live life on the daily I am also trying to be healthier and workout instead of placing myself on the back burner. I'm just so overwhelmed. I constantly battle these demons in my head. I have...

     Today as I walked up the driveway to one of my fathers favorite customers to deliver a thank you card, I burst into tears. This was the yard I helped him weed and plant cucumbers and tomato plants. This was the woman he spoke so highly of and brought her sausage biscuits from Hardees. She couldn't have them often because of her gout but once in a while he would hang one on the mailbox outside her front door since she is elderly. We would help her move things and put bird food in her feeders. Sodas were too heavy for her to lift so we would stock her fridge. There are some days that I really can't believe my dad is gone until things happen like this and hits me. It hits me right in the heart. It makes me realize that he is no longer here to share is work day with me or cook me dinner. He won't be here to make crabs this summer or attend any more bass tournaments. He loved fishing so much. I try to pretend like I'm okay but I'm not. I try to be strong but I reall...

     Today was very unusual. My routine for speaking with my boyfriend is fairly the same. We message each other a little bit in the mornings and in the afternoons and he calls me at night. Well today he messaged me in the afternoon and said he will message or call me later. I have this feeling that maybe he wants space? Maybe he is tired of calling me and hearing about how stressed I am or how boring my day was. I wrote him a message saying that I'm going to give him space. It hurt writing that to him but my gut is telling me to do it.  I feel like a burden to him since he pays my rent and helps me out. He knows I want to work full time again and he knows I hate having financial assistance. I know I'm probably over thinking the situation like I do with everything but this is a bad feeling. First I cried all the time because I was alone and missed him and now I cry and worry that maybe he doesn't want to be with me anymore since I'm depressed a lot.  I don'...

     Middle school and high school were tough for me. I was overweight but I was confident with myself until people starting being mean and making fun of my weight to my face. The bullying I endured over those years turned me into the bitch I am today. And I'm being honest. I know I'm a bitch. I'll be the first to admit it but it is because of jerks in school that made me this way. If they only knew how I felt when someone would moo at me or tell me I had thunder thighs. I honestly felt worthless. And to be honest, it hasn't gotten much better since I graduated in 2010. I still hear people whisper behind my back and guys will say "She got a fat ass" as if I don't know this. Maybe if they took the time to be nice to me they would know I'm trying to be healthier and work on my image.      I'm not obese I'm overweight, not that it is any better. Normal weight for my age and height is roughly 130-135 pounds. I weigh 152 pounds (150 on a good day)....