This Thing Called Life

     Today was very unusual. My routine for speaking with my boyfriend is fairly the same. We message each other a little bit in the mornings and in the afternoons and he calls me at night. Well today he messaged me in the afternoon and said he will message or call me later. I have this feeling that maybe he wants space? Maybe he is tired of calling me and hearing about how stressed I am or how boring my day was. I wrote him a message saying that I'm going to give him space. It hurt writing that to him but my gut is telling me to do it.  I feel like a burden to him since he pays my rent and helps me out. He knows I want to work full time again and he knows I hate having financial assistance. I know I'm probably over thinking the situation like I do with everything but this is a bad feeling. First I cried all the time because I was alone and missed him and now I cry and worry that maybe he doesn't want to be with me anymore since I'm depressed a lot.  I don'...

     Now that I know you read my blog, I want to make an entry dedicated to you. You have no idea how much I miss you. I miss laughing together and watching Netflix. I miss snuggling and having you hold me. I miss sitting on the porch waiting for your truck to come around the corner. I know I don't tell you my feelings very much, but I still get butterflies when you pull me close and hug me. You make me feel important. You accept me for who I am, flaws and medical issues included. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you. I am so lucky to have someone like you who shows me what it is actually like to be loved and taken care of. I've been through some very rough patches during this deployment but what keeps me going is that each new day is one day closer to homecoming. I have never cried so much in my life because I feel so lonely even though I know your there for me, you aren't here with me. I'm grateful to give my love to you and make memories with you. You're...

     As I sit here writing my concept map that is due tomorrow at clinical. I can't stop thinking about the things I wanted to get done around my house before my boyfriend comes home from deployment. He isn't coming home yet but I know it will come sooner than I think. Money is tight due to me only working every other weekend, and picking up weekend days when they need me. Some things on my list might not seem "expensive" to some people, but to a broke student, they are. I wanted to buy a new front door and storm door since mine is old and beat up. It is also dirty and really old. It needs to be upgraded. I also wanted new deck furniture with cushions, new pillows for our bed, and a new comforter with some new sheets and pillow shams. The main thing I am trying to save for is a gift card to Tractor Supply Co. for him to buy a new pair of cowboy boots. He deserves them. He takes great care of me and his current ones are all beat up and worn. I still have some time but...

     For this being my first military relationship, I'd say I do fairly well. I got used to the 2 week under ways and duty days quickly. It is all apart of his job. But this is my first deployment and his as well. It gets very lonely and boring not having him here to play around with me or lay in bed with me. I always make it home before him and  would sit on my porch waiting for his truck to turn the corner. I miss picking up after him, doing his laundry and riding everywhere with him. I miss cooking for him and going out to eat. I miss snuggling in bed and watching Netflix while we eat doughnut holes and drink milk. But the biggest thing I miss is hearing his footsteps throughout the house and having him hold me. I just want to be held. I know when his homecoming is finally here, I will not be able to contain my excitement. I will hoard him away from the world for days just so I can smell him, hold him, kiss him, and love him.