This Thing Called Life

     Recently I have really been struggling with my anxiety and depression. I work with two doctors by myself and I am also the phlebotomist.I'm literally working just to pay bills. I have never been able to enjoy a check and spend it on whatever I want.  I try to vent my feelings to my boyfriend he turns everything around on me and makes me out to be the bad person for feeling that way or he disregards my feelings and starts talking about his. He seems like a narcissist which I'm looking more into. I have been through a lot in the last 5 years and they have been the worst 5 years of my life. I try to explain to him how I'm different mentally but he never listens. It is a waste of time for me to continue trying to explain how I feel or why I act the way I do. In between trying to live life on the daily I am also trying to be healthier and workout instead of placing myself on the back burner. I'm just so overwhelmed. I constantly battle these demons in my head. I have...

     Some days I feel okay. Others I feel so empty and lonely. It still doesn't seem real to me that you left this earth. I knew you were sick and I did all I could to spend as much time with you. I still have the birthday check you wrote me and in the memo it says "not for bills" because you knew I always stressed about paying them. I miss working with you and pulling weeds in Miss Pollys yard. Bushes were never my favorite but I would still help you. I miss your advice and life lessons. I miss singing 80s songs together in the kitchen while you're cooking. I miss everything. I miss you. I love you.

     Depression can take a hold of someone and make them feel as though they have no way out but to end their life. People get depressed for different reasons. Some are depressed without even knowing. I knew I was depressed when I started thinking about suicide and ways to do it. Even though I never attempted it, it worried me knowing I was thinking of different ways I could try to do it. The one major thing that kept me alive on this earth was my family and close friends. How would they feel? Who would find me? What else could I have accomplished during my life if I stayed alive? My parents wouldn't see me get married or have children. Everything I worked so hard for would have been useless. That's why I am still here. That's why I share my story more openly now instead of hiding my fights with what I call my "dark place". Losing my close friend at the end of August made me start asking what was so bad that she couldn't have gone to therapy or talked to a clo...

     Thursday I took off from work to finally get my eye exam and order glasses. I have an astigmatism but no signs of glaucoma or cataracts which is always good considering my family members have all kinds of vision issues. I also had my 6 month follow up with my neurologist. I have been seizure free for one year and some change so he decided we will continue with the Keppra to control those. While I was at my appointment I decided to discuss this anxious feeling I constantly have and how recently I've been having panic attacks on the interstate and in large stores like Wal-Mart. Anxiety is something I've always dealt with but here lately it has become very bad. Panic attacks are new to me. I've been feeling lonely and sad. At night I cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I think I'm actually depressed (not just feeling sad type of depressed) so hopefully this Lexapro will help with both issues. I'm tired of feeling this way. I just want to be myself again, carefree and h...