This Thing Called Life

     Recently I have really been struggling with my anxiety and depression. I work with two doctors by myself and I am also the phlebotomist.I'm literally working just to pay bills. I have never been able to enjoy a check and spend it on whatever I want.  I try to vent my feelings to my boyfriend he turns everything around on me and makes me out to be the bad person for feeling that way or he disregards my feelings and starts talking about his. He seems like a narcissist which I'm looking more into. I have been through a lot in the last 5 years and they have been the worst 5 years of my life. I try to explain to him how I'm different mentally but he never listens. It is a waste of time for me to continue trying to explain how I feel or why I act the way I do. In between trying to live life on the daily I am also trying to be healthier and workout instead of placing myself on the back burner. I'm just so overwhelmed. I constantly battle these demons in my head. I have...

     It is so annoying that I work in a doctors office that continues to bring in cakes, sugary drinks, and junk food. Today and yesterday I have had two non scale victories. This morning the first thing out of the receptionist' mouth was "there is bundt cake in the break room". Dude it is not even 9 a.m. Yesterday the doctor I worked for brought bake slices of pie and cake from the hospital cafeteria and I kindly said no thank you and walked away. It frustrates me because every one who works in this office with me knows I have an eating problem and they know I joined Weight Watchers. I am so proud of myself for looking at that cake this morning and walking away when I easily could have eaten half of it. I felt pissed off when I walked in the break room and saw it. Yes, everything in moderation is ok, but not for someone who is already way over weight and trying to get their shit together. I will be okay. I will get through this. I can do this.

     My first week of weight watchers was a struggle. The first 3-4 days I felt like I was starving all the time. Then I ended up eating way too much sushi. I have also been drinking Stabucks and Dunkin here and there but I'm being honest with myself and I am tracking everything. My main focus right now is to focus on eating healthier, then I plan on incorporating workouts into my lifestyle. I feel like my pants are loose around the waist so maybe this plan is working. I will be weighing in tomorrow morning to see if I have lost anything.

     Yesterday I finally joined Weight Watchers. The day before, I printed the zero point food list from their site and realized that those foods were primarily what I ate along with fast food and junk food which has to be cut out. My total point allowance each day is 26 which goes quick if I include my coffee with creamer each morning. Since joining this program I decided to focus on cutting back on two main things: sugar and fried foods. I had 1 point remaining yesterday and I'm hoping to do well today. This will take some getting used to but I feel like this program will help curb my cravings and get my sugar addiction under control.

     Recently I have been thinking about going back to school for Personal Trainer or a Physical Therapy Assistant. I love being a nurse and helping patients but I kind of want something new where I can still people. Nursing isn't like the shows were patients are humble and appreciative. Most of my patients are rude and disrespectful. Patients don't understand that it isn't my fault their insurance doesn't cover a medication or a treatment we do here in the office. They also get upset when they are the ones who are non compliant with their medication regimens and wonder why their blood pressure and/or blood glucose is through the roof. I feel like working with people who need to be up and moving will help me become more active and be creative with ways to help them regain their strength. I won't be able to start right away because I have too much debt but I just want to make a decision that way I can start working towards that new goal and chapter in my life.

     Recently within the last few weeks I have so tired of being a nurse. Between drawing blood, answering calls and patient questions, rooming patients and taking vitals, processing prior authorizations for medications and more, I am DONE. Some patients are non compliant with their medications but will complain about not feeling well. Others aren't patient enough to wait for lab work to come back or scan results. I have spent my 20s taking care of every one else but myself. By the time I get off from work, I don't have energy to work out. I don't even want to eat half the time. I just want to sleep. Nursing is not what shows and movies make it out to be. Nursing school doesn't show you the ropes of what happens behind the scenes when the nurses are doing more than just taking vitals. Plus I am the only nurse in the practice so I have no peers to ask for help or vent to. I love helping people but I hate being stressed and feeling my anxiety go through the roof. I was sw...

     One of my past relationships is hindering my progression and ability to love with all I have. My current boyfriend is an amazing boyfriend and I love him. He does so many things for me and he makes sure that I'm taken care of but because of my relationship before that, I am scared to fully love and give him my all. Part of the reason is because that past relationship ended abruptly without many of my questions answered. He dumped me the Friday after Valentines day that year and it was not expected. We had been eating dinner together with my father like always, going out, and enjoying each other. It came out of nowhere. I had speculated that he used me in order to not live on a ship because it did seem to good to be true, but he was so good to me. When I had caught him cheating the third time ( I know, it shouldn't have got to that point) I started feeling that I would never be good enough and could never give him what he actually wanted because he would always want m...