This Thing Called Life

     For the last couple of weeks I have been asking myself what I want to do with my life. Yes I love being a nurse but my current job does not allow me to help those in true need. I don't even take vital signs unless the machine reads wrong or if someone has a reaction and that is rare. I love people and I love being positive and helping others. I'm just not sure which direction to take in life. Geriatrics holds a special place in my heart because I took care of my grandma until she passed away and that is why I chose nursing and worked as a certified nurse aide throughout LPN school. I also like motivating people to live healthier lives and have a positive mindset. There are so many directions I could take career wise but U don't know where to start in order to help with someones nutritional goals and weight loss, and there are no long term care or assisted living facilities hiring near me for LPNs. They want medication aides and cnas. My search isn't over. I will co

     Recently I have had no motivation to go to the gym. Work is not enjoyable for me anymore and I just want to lay in bed and be left alone. I started off so well. I was in the gym 6 days a week and I started feeling good and looking good. I'm sure I feel this way due to all of the family things going on right now and losing my father. I've gained a lot of weight within the last two weeks due to stress eating. The foods I've been eating are ones I know I shouldn't be eating but I do. After I eat  I sk myself why would i eat that when I know I don't need it. Therapy is too expensive so I decided to buy an adult coloring book. It is actually soothing. It makes me feel calm and distracted. I know my motivation is somewhere inside I just have to really stick to a healthier lifestyle when I start over, yet again.

     Each day it is getting easier for me to talk about my dad and think about him without crying in front of people. The week I lost him I cried myself to sleep each night begging for it to be a dream, but sadly it is reality. Today at the gym I started thinking about how he would text me around three or four in the evening asking if I was eating out for dinner. Whenever I said yes he would reply with a simple "k" and when I wasn't he would tell me to come down and eat dinner with him. I cherish every single time I went there to eat with him and talk like we always did. He would make a mixed drink and we would watch the channels that played concerts like KISS or Motley Crue. I miss those dinner texts so much. But my last dinner with him was on my birthday and the last thing I said to him was that I loved him. There is nothing in this world that could take away the loneliness and heartbreak I am feeling but I will heal enough eventually to continue my life and keep him in

     On Monday January 29, 2018, the man upstairs had bigger and better plans for you dad. I got the dreaded phone call at work that no one would ever want to receive. I was doing 105 mph on the interstate to get to you before they took you away from me. You looked so peaceful. I am so glad that you went in your sleep and not another way. This has already started off as the worst year of my life as well as the worst birthday in history. I am beyond happy that I came to see you on my birthday Sunday after I went to the gym. When I got to the house, you told me there were left over fried potatoes and onions in your fridge and that you had got me an ice cream cake. While I was making my plate of potatoes, you went into the living room and grabbed my birthday check. You even wrote "Not for bills, Happy Birthday" in the memo because you always knew I was stressing about paying the many bills I have. You kissed me on my right cheek and we hugged. I sat down at the table and started