This Thing Called Life

     Today as I walked up the driveway to one of my fathers favorite customers to deliver a thank you card, I burst into tears. This was the yard I helped him weed and plant cucumbers and tomato plants. This was the woman he spoke so highly of and brought her sausage biscuits from Hardees. She couldn't have them often because of her gout but once in a while he would hang one on the mailbox outside her front door since she is elderly. We would help her move things and put bird food in her feeders. Sodas were too heavy for her to lift so we would stock her fridge. There are some days that I really can't believe my dad is gone until things happen like this and hits me. It hits me right in the heart. It makes me realize that he is no longer here to share is work day with me or cook me dinner. He won't be here to make crabs this summer or attend any more bass tournaments. He loved fishing so much. I try to pretend like I'm okay but I'm not. I try to be strong but I reall

     Lately I find myself asking "what am I doing with my life" more and more. I quit my job because I need a mental break. I have been trying to get my dads assets and finances straight, along with packing some of my things, selling his things, and trying to maintain my bills and household. I shouldn't have stopped working but I seriously was not here. I was just existing. The day my father passed away I was out for that whole week but it wasn't a fun week. I was planning his memorial and looking for documents and all kinds of things. When I ask myself what am I doing with my life, I don't know if it is in general or if I am just looking for things I need to change. I know for a fact I'm not happy. I've gained a lot of weight, I feel like crap, and my motivation does not exist. The fact that I failed my entrance exam for the RN program by ONE POINT doesn't help either. I just want to be happy. I want to be healthy and feel good. I want to make others

     For the last 6 days I have been doing the program 21 Day Fix. I love working out. It makes me feel so good afterwards and it helps me manage my stress and anxiety. My problem is my eating habits. Most of the time I end up binge eating because I will tell myself I don't need something like a Reese's or a coffee from Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks and then I end up getting it or both. I think it is more out of habit than a need as far as the coffee goes. This has to stop. It's mind over matter. I don't need the coffee and I don't need to be wasting money and calories on it either. Sometimes I feel like my binge eating and cravings take over and I don't have enough will power to stop it. Today I got a Starbucks beverage and I really want it to be my last one for a while. I just want to see what changes happen to my body by not drinking it. I can do this.