A Hit Right to the Heart

     Today as I walked up the driveway to one of my fathers favorite customers to deliver a thank you card, I burst into tears. This was the yard I helped him weed and plant cucumbers and tomato plants. This was the woman he spoke so highly of and brought her sausage biscuits from Hardees. She couldn't have them often because of her gout but once in a while he would hang one on the mailbox outside her front door since she is elderly. We would help her move things and put bird food in her feeders. Sodas were too heavy for her to lift so we would stock her fridge. There are some days that I really can't believe my dad is gone until things happen like this and hits me. It hits me right in the heart. It makes me realize that he is no longer here to share is work day with me or cook me dinner. He won't be here to make crabs this summer or attend any more bass tournaments. He loved fishing so much. I try to pretend like I'm okay but I'm not. I try to be strong but I really just want to scream and cry. There are so many whys and what ifs that will never be answered because my father is no longer here to give me those answers. The healing process takes time and I'm trying not to be impatient. I just want to feel like myself again. Even though my heart hurts, I know my dad is watching over me and if he saw me crying (like I am now as I write this) he would tell me not to cry and that everything will be okay. One day I will be able to smile at my memories with him and be able to talk about him without crying and tearing up. I just have to try and be patient and wait for that time.

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