This Thing Called Life

     Recently within the last few weeks I have so tired of being a nurse. Between drawing blood, answering calls and patient questions, rooming patients and taking vitals, processing prior authorizations for medications and more, I am DONE. Some patients are non compliant with their medications but will complain about not feeling well. Others aren't patient enough to wait for lab work to come back or scan results. I have spent my 20s taking care of every one else but myself. By the time I get off from work, I don't have energy to work out. I don't even want to eat half the time. I just want to sleep. Nursing is not what shows and movies make it out to be. Nursing school doesn't show you the ropes of what happens behind the scenes when the nurses are doing more than just taking vitals. Plus I am the only nurse in the practice so I have no peers to ask for help or vent to. I love helping people but I hate being stressed and feeling my anxiety go through the roof. I was sw...

     One of my past relationships is hindering my progression and ability to love with all I have. My current boyfriend is an amazing boyfriend and I love him. He does so many things for me and he makes sure that I'm taken care of but because of my relationship before that, I am scared to fully love and give him my all. Part of the reason is because that past relationship ended abruptly without many of my questions answered. He dumped me the Friday after Valentines day that year and it was not expected. We had been eating dinner together with my father like always, going out, and enjoying each other. It came out of nowhere. I had speculated that he used me in order to not live on a ship because it did seem to good to be true, but he was so good to me. When I had caught him cheating the third time ( I know, it shouldn't have got to that point) I started feeling that I would never be good enough and could never give him what he actually wanted because he would always want m...

     The other day I watched a Youtube video about a young woman who lost 90 pounds. It took her a year to get where she was and that gave me a realistic time frame of when to expect to be at or near my goal weight again. Losing weight is not easy. I have been overwhelming myself trying to eat right and work out so for now I am focusing on my food choices then I will incorporate exercise. I started the 21 Day Fix program, got to day 10, and realized I was doing too much at once. Realizing that it may take a year (give or take) to reach my goals seems like a long time but I didn't gain this weight over night. I have neglected my health since my father passed which has been a year and some change. I'm taking my weight loss journey one day at a time and I am trying not to think too far ahead. This time next year I want to be wearing cute summer dresses and swimsuits. Not jeans and big t-shirts.

     For the last several months I've been trying to lose weight and it has not been going well. I think I have found a partial solution to the problem and that is how I have created this weight loss rule list for myself. The rules are as follows: Stop comparing myself to others. My fitness and strength level may not be like theirs but I will get there with time. Stop obsessing over the number on the scale. My clothes are feeling loose but the number isn't changing and it discourages me. From now on I will weight myself on the first and last day of the month. Watch my sugar intake. I'm addicted to Dunkin and Starbucks coffee but that crap has to stop. Also stop drinking my calories! Progress and results take time. I was doing workouts and eating fairly clean and would give up after a week because I didn't see drastic results. This weight wasn't gained over night and it will not go away over night either. Stay away from those who are negative about me making ...

     It seems like I am always contemplating getting a second job to pay off debts. I looked at my student loan accounts yesterday and with the minimum payments I am currently paying, I will be paying on them for ever. I would like to pay them off so I could put it towards my mortgage or build a bigger shed. I'm just not sure what type of part time job to look for and when they ask why I want to work there should I be honest and say it is to pay off debts then I'm out of there? I also wouldn't want to start a second job, end up liking it, and letting it consume my free time. There is more to life than just working it away. Since buying my home, I have become more frugal with money and I've cut back on a lot of useless or wasteful spending. I do pay an extra $20 here and there towards the loans but it does nothing. I'm sure I'll figure it out at some point.

     Some days I feel okay. Others I feel so empty and lonely. It still doesn't seem real to me that you left this earth. I knew you were sick and I did all I could to spend as much time with you. I still have the birthday check you wrote me and in the memo it says "not for bills" because you knew I always stressed about paying them. I miss working with you and pulling weeds in Miss Pollys yard. Bushes were never my favorite but I would still help you. I miss your advice and life lessons. I miss singing 80s songs together in the kitchen while you're cooking. I miss everything. I miss you. I love you.

     This past weekend was eventful to say the least. Moving is always a stressful process as well as the aftermath. My new home is a mad house. There are boxes, bags, and totes everywhere. I know eventually everything will find its place but trying to organize and do this after work each evening has been draining. Leaving my childhood home of 27 years is hard but I'm grateful I have the memories in my heart. I never realized how much stuff I had in my house until I had to pack and unpack the moving truck. I plan on going through everything and donating things I no longer use or want. I'm turning the page and starting a new chapter.