This Thing Called Life

     Depression can take a hold of someone and make them feel as though they have no way out but to end their life. People get depressed for different reasons. Some are depressed without even knowing. I knew I was depressed when I started thinking about suicide and ways to do it. Even though I never attempted it, it worried me knowing I was thinking of different ways I could try to do it. The one major thing that kept me alive on this earth was my family and close friends. How would they feel? Who would find me? What else could I have accomplished during my life if I stayed alive? My parents wouldn't see me get married or have children. Everything I worked so hard for would have been useless. That's why I am still here. That's why I share my story more openly now instead of hiding my fights with what I call my "dark place". Losing my close friend at the end of August made me start asking what was so bad that she couldn't have gone to therapy or talked to a clo...

     For almost four months now I have been hanging out with this guy. He is very nice, works hard, and he is also going to school for a couple of degrees. We have a great time when we are together but we are still not "officially" labeled girlfriend and boyfriend. I'm not sure if he is making sure he wants to be in a relationship with me (I can be crazy and weird) or if he doesn't know how to tell me that he wants to be just friends/friends with benefits. Honestly I'm not trying to rush into a relationship or anything but it would be nice to know what he is thinking. I don't ask because I don't want to seem clingy or needy. But at the same time I don't want to waste my time developing feelings for someone when they don't feel the same way. Should I ask? Should I wait on him? I'm kind of lost. I'm not sure what to do.

     The other day I went to Barnes and Noble with the guy I'm currently dating so he could pick up textbooks for his new semester and it made me sad that I was no longer in school. After LPN school I kept telling people it drained me and that it would be too expensive to go back. Plus I feared my anxiety and depression would hold me back. But today I looked at the college site that currently offers the LPN to BSN program I've always wanted to attend and I have decided I will go back and get my Bachelors because that has been my long term career goal for the longest time. Yes, that means more loans, care plans, tears, stress, and hair pulling but I will do it. My plan is to pay off my community college, enroll again, take the placement tests, and knock out the prerequisites I need to apply to the BSN program. My plan after paying off my community college is to ask if I can have Mondays and Wednesdays off or Tuesdays and Thursdays so I can take more than one class to get t...

     Due to having so many bills along with my student loan payments, I had to deposit the $70 I was saving for myself in order to stay afloat after paying rent and power. Work has it's good days and bad, mostly bad and stressful since we are short staffed and new rules are always being created for us to follow. I've been searching for a second job to work part time to help me save money and fix things around my house. I have two leaks in my roof, my car needs tires and a windshield, and I need a new front door to my house since my current one is rotting. No ones life is stress free but once some of my loans get paid off and I fix things around my house, I will be able to sleep better. Until then I will be constantly stressing every month wondering if my checks will be enough to cover bills, put gas in my car, and food in my stomach.

     Last week I was put on Lexapro to help control my panic attacks and depression. I already feel better in that department. At my Neuro visit last week he wanted me to get my blood drawn which included a CBC, liver function panel, and a smooth muscle antibody. Everything came back great except for my CBC. My MPV was high (13) which can indicate I'm fighting an autoimmune disorder or maybe my medication just elevates it, which is what I'm hoping for. Also my monos were elevated which indicates I could be fighting an infection. After work I dropped off a copy of my results to his office so hopefully I can get an appointment to talk with him. I'm hoping this is nothing serious. It just seems like as soon as I start getting better, something in my life happens and screws everything up.

     Thursday I took off from work to finally get my eye exam and order glasses. I have an astigmatism but no signs of glaucoma or cataracts which is always good considering my family members have all kinds of vision issues. I also had my 6 month follow up with my neurologist. I have been seizure free for one year and some change so he decided we will continue with the Keppra to control those. While I was at my appointment I decided to discuss this anxious feeling I constantly have and how recently I've been having panic attacks on the interstate and in large stores like Wal-Mart. Anxiety is something I've always dealt with but here lately it has become very bad. Panic attacks are new to me. I've been feeling lonely and sad. At night I cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I think I'm actually depressed (not just feeling sad type of depressed) so hopefully this Lexapro will help with both issues. I'm tired of feeling this way. I just want to be myself again, carefree and h...

     When I first got dumped I put on this front like I'm okay but in reality I'm not. I was drinking alcohol like a fish, taking Xanax when I didn't need it, and I was seeking attention from guys for all of the wrong reasons. I'm miserable. I feel like no one wants me and I'm going to die alone. All I do is work and to occupy my time and mind I've been trying to find another part time job just so I can be around people and feel less pathetic. It completely sucks when you love someone and give them your all and then they just leave you like you never mattered or even existed in their life. The truth of the matter is that I'm not ready to move on or meet guys. I don't even want a booty call. I want to share life with someone and build memories. I want to get married some day and have kids. At this point in my life, which is a really low point, I feel like none of that will ever happen because no one wants me. I'm depressed but I haven't resorted b...