I Feel Different.

     September was a horrible month. My grandmas health declined terribly and she ended up passing away. I feel as if part of my heart has been torn out of my chest. I don't have energy, I'm not as happy as I used to be, and I feel different. I don't know what this feeling is. I don't know if it is anger, sadness, or depression. Maybe it is guilt. I feel so guilty that I didn't quit my job to live with my grandma to take care of her. I should of done so because that is what my gut told me to do. It's normal to feel different after someone passes who was such an inspiration to you right? I'm allowed to randomly break down and cry or get happy when I see things she loved right? How do I deal with this? Every night I tell her goodnight and tell her how lonely I feel. She isn't there to ask me about the weather or if I'm still in college. She isn't sitting in her chair waiting for me to walk in her door so she can call me darling. I just feel different and every time someone asks why I'm acting weird or not being myself, that is all I can say. Some days I wake up and feel like going right back to bed.
     My grandma wasn't just my grandma. I spent my whole life going over there every day to visit or sit there after school until my mom could pick me up. She cooked for me, taught me to drive, and had so much love to give. There are no bad memories of her. Every picture me and my mom found while cleaning out her house was her smiling. Realizing she is gone forever is hard. Walking into her empty house and seeing her empty chair hits my heart hard. She always sat there and now it's empty. I know at some point I'll be semi-normal again but this is the hardest thing I've dealt with in 21 years. I saw her every day, I took care of her, cooked and cleaned for her. I didn't just see her on holidays and birthdays. My grandma was like a second mom to me and I'll always love her. I can only hope she is watching over me and hopefully she will help me to get back on track with my life.  I'll always be her darling and she will always be my Memaw <3

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