This Thing Called Life

     It is so annoying that I work in a doctors office that continues to bring in cakes, sugary drinks, and junk food. Today and yesterday I have had two non scale victories. This morning the first thing out of the receptionist' mouth was "there is bundt cake in the break room". Dude it is not even 9 a.m. Yesterday the doctor I worked for brought bake slices of pie and cake from the hospital cafeteria and I kindly said no thank you and walked away. It frustrates me because every one who works in this office with me knows I have an eating problem and they know I joined Weight Watchers. I am so proud of myself for looking at that cake this morning and walking away when I easily could have eaten half of it. I felt pissed off when I walked in the break room and saw it. Yes, everything in moderation is ok, but not for someone who is already way over weight and trying to get their shit together. I will be okay. I will get through this. I can do this.

     My first week of weight watchers was a struggle. The first 3-4 days I felt like I was starving all the time. Then I ended up eating way too much sushi. I have also been drinking Stabucks and Dunkin here and there but I'm being honest with myself and I am tracking everything. My main focus right now is to focus on eating healthier, then I plan on incorporating workouts into my lifestyle. I feel like my pants are loose around the waist so maybe this plan is working. I will be weighing in tomorrow morning to see if I have lost anything.

     Yesterday I finally joined Weight Watchers. The day before, I printed the zero point food list from their site and realized that those foods were primarily what I ate along with fast food and junk food which has to be cut out. My total point allowance each day is 26 which goes quick if I include my coffee with creamer each morning. Since joining this program I decided to focus on cutting back on two main things: sugar and fried foods. I had 1 point remaining yesterday and I'm hoping to do well today. This will take some getting used to but I feel like this program will help curb my cravings and get my sugar addiction under control.

     Recently I have been thinking about going back to school for Personal Trainer or a Physical Therapy Assistant. I love being a nurse and helping patients but I kind of want something new where I can still people. Nursing isn't like the shows were patients are humble and appreciative. Most of my patients are rude and disrespectful. Patients don't understand that it isn't my fault their insurance doesn't cover a medication or a treatment we do here in the office. They also get upset when they are the ones who are non compliant with their medication regimens and wonder why their blood pressure and/or blood glucose is through the roof. I feel like working with people who need to be up and moving will help me become more active and be creative with ways to help them regain their strength. I won't be able to start right away because I have too much debt but I just want to make a decision that way I can start working towards that new goal and chapter in my life.

     Recently within the last few weeks I have so tired of being a nurse. Between drawing blood, answering calls and patient questions, rooming patients and taking vitals, processing prior authorizations for medications and more, I am DONE. Some patients are non compliant with their medications but will complain about not feeling well. Others aren't patient enough to wait for lab work to come back or scan results. I have spent my 20s taking care of every one else but myself. By the time I get off from work, I don't have energy to work out. I don't even want to eat half the time. I just want to sleep. Nursing is not what shows and movies make it out to be. Nursing school doesn't show you the ropes of what happens behind the scenes when the nurses are doing more than just taking vitals. Plus I am the only nurse in the practice so I have no peers to ask for help or vent to. I love helping people but I hate being stressed and feeling my anxiety go through the roof. I was sw

     One of my past relationships is hindering my progression and ability to love with all I have. My current boyfriend is an amazing boyfriend and I love him. He does so many things for me and he makes sure that I'm taken care of but because of my relationship before that, I am scared to fully love and give him my all. Part of the reason is because that past relationship ended abruptly without many of my questions answered. He dumped me the Friday after Valentines day that year and it was not expected. We had been eating dinner together with my father like always, going out, and enjoying each other. It came out of nowhere. I had speculated that he used me in order to not live on a ship because it did seem to good to be true, but he was so good to me. When I had caught him cheating the third time ( I know, it shouldn't have got to that point) I started feeling that I would never be good enough and could never give him what he actually wanted because he would always want more. T

     The other day I watched a Youtube video about a young woman who lost 90 pounds. It took her a year to get where she was and that gave me a realistic time frame of when to expect to be at or near my goal weight again. Losing weight is not easy. I have been overwhelming myself trying to eat right and work out so for now I am focusing on my food choices then I will incorporate exercise. I started the 21 Day Fix program, got to day 10, and realized I was doing too much at once. Realizing that it may take a year (give or take) to reach my goals seems like a long time but I didn't gain this weight over night. I have neglected my health since my father passed which has been a year and some change. I'm taking my weight loss journey one day at a time and I am trying not to think too far ahead. This time next year I want to be wearing cute summer dresses and swimsuits. Not jeans and big t-shirts.

     For the last several months I've been trying to lose weight and it has not been going well. I think I have found a partial solution to the problem and that is how I have created this weight loss rule list for myself. The rules are as follows: Stop comparing myself to others. My fitness and strength level may not be like theirs but I will get there with time. Stop obsessing over the number on the scale. My clothes are feeling loose but the number isn't changing and it discourages me. From now on I will weight myself on the first and last day of the month. Watch my sugar intake. I'm addicted to Dunkin and Starbucks coffee but that crap has to stop. Also stop drinking my calories! Progress and results take time. I was doing workouts and eating fairly clean and would give up after a week because I didn't see drastic results. This weight wasn't gained over night and it will not go away over night either. Stay away from those who are negative about me making

     It seems like I am always contemplating getting a second job to pay off debts. I looked at my student loan accounts yesterday and with the minimum payments I am currently paying, I will be paying on them for ever. I would like to pay them off so I could put it towards my mortgage or build a bigger shed. I'm just not sure what type of part time job to look for and when they ask why I want to work there should I be honest and say it is to pay off debts then I'm out of there? I also wouldn't want to start a second job, end up liking it, and letting it consume my free time. There is more to life than just working it away. Since buying my home, I have become more frugal with money and I've cut back on a lot of useless or wasteful spending. I do pay an extra $20 here and there towards the loans but it does nothing. I'm sure I'll figure it out at some point.

     Some days I feel okay. Others I feel so empty and lonely. It still doesn't seem real to me that you left this earth. I knew you were sick and I did all I could to spend as much time with you. I still have the birthday check you wrote me and in the memo it says "not for bills" because you knew I always stressed about paying them. I miss working with you and pulling weeds in Miss Pollys yard. Bushes were never my favorite but I would still help you. I miss your advice and life lessons. I miss singing 80s songs together in the kitchen while you're cooking. I miss everything. I miss you. I love you.

     This past weekend was eventful to say the least. Moving is always a stressful process as well as the aftermath. My new home is a mad house. There are boxes, bags, and totes everywhere. I know eventually everything will find its place but trying to organize and do this after work each evening has been draining. Leaving my childhood home of 27 years is hard but I'm grateful I have the memories in my heart. I never realized how much stuff I had in my house until I had to pack and unpack the moving truck. I plan on going through everything and donating things I no longer use or want. I'm turning the page and starting a new chapter.

     I am really struggling trying to get healthy. I went so long not eating fast food and now that I have been eating it for so long it is almost like an addiction. I will go a day or two without it and then relapse. I look back at my old instagram pictures from when I was working out and it makes me sad. It frustrates me that I used to be so healthy and now I am a wreck. I don't want to be this way. I have been making better choices food wise. I am not working out like I should so I'm trying to start slow. Three days a week minimum and build up from there. Cardio will be my focus for now until I drop some pounds then I will focus on muscle groups and toning again. I can do this I just need to find the mindset I had back then.

     Wednesday evening I put in an offer for a great starter home and I go it! My closing date is on May 29 and I am so excited. I feel so many emotions since this is the biggest purchase of my life. I am nervous, excited, anxious, and preparing for this new adventure of adulthood. I really wish my father was here to see how hard I have worked to raise my credit and pay off debt to make this possible. I know he would be proud. My plan now is to de-clutter and clean things out so when it is moving time, I don't have a bunch of items I don't need. I still cannot believe this is a reality! I'm moving into a new home to start a new beginning and make new memories.

     I cannot believe I may be making the biggest purchase of my life! I looked at a few homes yesterday and may have found the one. It is a cute starter home with a decent sized yard. 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms which is plenty. The master bedroom downstairs is huge. When the realtor talks all of the numbers and percentages I kind of feel nervous because I don't know what all of it means. Thank goodness my boyfriend works in the biz and helps dummy down the terms for me. I should be finding out sometime today if they accepted my offer. I qualified for a lot more than I thought I would and this home is under budget but has everything I need. Wish me luck!

     I recently found out how much I'm approved for in order to buy my first home and it is overwhelming. It is stressful trying to find a good location with plenty of yard room for my fathers boat and truck. I'm happy to see that a lot of the homes I'm looking at currently have white kitchens which I love because I think it makes the kitchen look bright and welcoming. Plus it will go with my yellow pain theme with pineapples. I don't have an immense about of debt but I thought with my student loans and car payment it would cause me to qualify for a low amount. I was wrong. All of the homes I've seen online are more than enough for my first starter home and some are even under my allotted budget! This Saturday my mom is going with me to look at a few homes and see what they have to offer. Leaving my fathers home behind which is also my childhood home will be hard, but I think my dad would be proud of me for making the first step in making a "big girl" purc

     Recently I rejoined BeachBody as a coach. I want to become a healthy individual again as well as help others become healthy. The workouts are convenient since I can do them in my living room after work and they also come with workout calendars as well as food plans. Wednesday will be my last day of the Clean Week program and then I will be jumping into the 21 Day Fix program. If you're interested in looking into these programs or looking for meal plans, check out my site here. I'm always here if you have questions. Happy Monday!

     It has been about a week since cutting out caffeine from my diet and I feel a huge difference. Caffeine can fuel anxiety and I realize now that it was making me sweat more than I needed in stressful situations, especially at work. I haven't cut it out completely but my intake is a lot less compared to what I used to consume. My old routine consisted of drinking coffee (not decaf) on my way to work. Depending if I hit a afternoon slump, I would make more at work or run to get some on my lunch break. I used to think decaf should be illegal but now it has become my friend. I enjoy a decaf cup from Dunkin Donuts once or twice a week. It doesn't make me feel shaky and super anxious like regular coffee used too. I'm slowly making different changes and trying new things to see what works for me and makes me feel good. I'm also trying to make health conscious decisions and caffeine is not all that great for you, especially your heart. I'm taking my health journey one s

     Recently I've decided to try cutting out caffeine from my diet. This is a very hard task considering I used to drink a minimum of one cup each morning and maybe some during work, possibly after as well. I want to see if it helps with my sleep pattern because lately I have been having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. Also with my restless leg syndrome, I've read that caffeine can increase the restlessness. I'm making small changes and hoping it will help improve my health little by little.

     Since a new year has started and it has been a year and some change since losing my father, I decided it was time to get my life back on track. I started thoroughly going through each room in my house and donating or throwing away items that I no longer need or use. It feels great. It is also a good feeling finding places for my dads things where I can still see them and think of our memories. Last year I kept a lot of his things hidden because I didn't want to think of him being gone. I'm slowly coming around and realizing that although he is gone here on earth, he is always going to be in my heart. I never realized how much junk I had and I also didn't realize how cluttered and unorganized I had become in the last year. The only thing left to do is put my new computer desk together and clean out what is in my current desk. It feels good to finally start being myself again and getting my life in order.

     2018 was by far the worst year of my life. I lost my father very suddenly and my best friend gave birth to a stillborn. I have also quit my job to soul search and find the career out there that is meant for me.  Leaving 2018 in the past feels good but it also sad because this is the start of a new year without my dad. When you get used to someone always being there and being involved in your life is hard to accept that they are gone and that you will not see them or hear their voice ever again. For many people, I feel that 2018 was a very rough year. Multiple patients were experiencing life curveballs as well as some close friends and other family. A fresh start for the new year seems best for most of us. Happy new year. I hope 2019 is good to all of you.