Letting myself go

I don't know why I quit riding my elliptical, doing the 30 Day Shred and eating healthier. It could have been stress or just the fact that I was tired of giving my all and not seeing the results I wanted. I felt better when I worked out and ate healthy foods. I am still down the 7 pounds I lost and I haven't gained them back but that is nowhere near my 32 pound weight loss goal. I feel like I have failed myself. Do I hate the person I see in the mirror? No. Do I like the person? No. I still need to lose this weight though. I should have never given up in the first place because by now, I could have been close, at, or over my goal. I realize I'm not morbidly obese or massively overweight but when I look in the mirror I see all of my fat flaws. My thighs jiggle when I walk and when I sit down, they get even bigger. I have arm fat. I have a muffin top. The list with my body issues can go on and on. I've always been a big girl and maybe that is how I'm supposed to stay. I know that if I want to be a size 5 or 7 I will have to work at it constantly and saying I don't have the time sounds like the biggest excuse in the book but it's true. I work all day, I go to school in the evenings and I don't like working out alone because of my anxiety. People who have metabolisms that burn everything they eat and they don't gain an ounce have no idea how lucky they are.

 I am mad at myself for letting myself go. I'm mad that I quit working out when I did so good and started seeing SOME results. Maybe deep down I'm kind of nervous about becoming a smaller size since I've always been the biggest girl in the group. Maybe I'm anxious about what people would say if I did actually lose 30+ pounds. I want to lose the weight to prove to myself and others that I can do anything I put my mind to. And it's not like I HATE eating fruits and vegetables because I LOVE eating them. It's the working out part. Since I'm overweight, I lose my breath faster than average people. I can't run to save my life and when I ride my elliptical I get stir crazy because I just stand there doing the same thing over and over again. I didn't want to put "weight loss" on my list of goals for the new year, but I think I'm going too. For years all I have ever wanted was to wear whatever I want without thinking twice about covering up my legs or muffin top. All I have ever wanted is to be able to walk at the beach and boardwalk in JUST my bikini and feel great about myself. It seems like none of this will ever happen unless I get serious and start kicking ass...again. I did great at the start of the 2012 year and 2013 will be my bitch. I want to be down at LEAST 2 sizes before summer. I want to be able to wear a medium size shirt comfortably. And I want my jeans to be loose.

Honestly, I do not want to wait until after the new year to get this started. However, Since I have Christmas dinners and other gatherings coming up, I will start working out slowly again. I'm going to start over and try riding my elliptical for 15 minutes and progress my way slowly back to riding it for an hour with ease. I want to drink more water. Soda, Pepsi in particular is my biggest downfall because I love it so much. No fast food. Lately that has been a big part of my life since I don't get up in time to pack my lunch for work. That changes, TODAY. For anyone out there that is overweight and has started working out and you feel like quitting because you have seen little or no results, DO NOT QUIT. I regret it so much the more I think about how small,healthy and fit I could be by now. It is hard but it is so worth it. My new journey begins now and I will not stop until I am satisfied with my results!