Dressing Room Break Down

     Last week, I discovered a hole in the ass of my favorite shorts. So this weekend I decided that I deserved some new shorts. Since I had been feeling good about myself and feeling like I lost weight, I decided to pick up size 11 shorts. I figured that they would fit because the size 13 shorts I had on at that moment were really loose. WRONG. I could barely button them. The cuffs were cutting the circulation off in my thighs. I looked in the mirror and started crying. All the work I've done and progress I thought I had made seemed non-existent. I always try to be positive and strong but I'm done. No matter what I do or what changes I make, I'll always be fat. I'm never going to have time to work out because I'm always fucking working or going to class after work. Sleep is more important to me so I will never be the type of person to get up early to work out. I just think being fat is my calling.
     I know I shouldn't give up. Looking in the dressing room mirrors and realizing a size 11 doesn't fit should be motivation to work my fat ass harder. But I'm not going to. I'm not going to stress over my weight with work and school going on. Plus my grandma is in the nursing home sick as a dog now and I'm sure it's from the ignorant nurse aides not washing their hands like they should. When I went there last week, an aide was carrying soiled laundry with out gloves. WTF is wrong with you? I guess the only good thing going for me right now is the nurse aide program. Everything else just seems like a waste. I don't want to give up on trying to lose weight but it seems like a lost cause. I've stopped drinking soda, I walk when ever I can, I try to workout when I get free time, I eat tons of fruits and vegetables and this is what I am. I'm still a walking piece of lard. I'm over it. I hate to sound like Debbie downer but I'm done. There is no point in me trying to change my weight if I can't do it all the way. It's all or nothing not small changes here and there and working out only 6 times a month.
     I'm not going to revert back to fast food and soda. I still plan on leaving that crap out of my diet. But I'm not going to stress over not being able to work out. I really just don't have time. My main focus is the program, my grandma and saving for school. Maybe one day I'll be able to go to the gym and maintain a healthy life style when I live on my own and stuff. It's hard trying to be healthy when no one eats healthy in your house hold or wants to workout with you. I hate doing everything by myself.

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