This Thing Called Life

     As I write this blog entry, I realize that this is my last week here at my job that I once loved. Last month right before Thanksgiving I was suspended from work for a week without pay due to a co-worker reporting to the HR department that I was sleeping or appeared to be sleeping at my desk. They suspended me before even getting my side of the story or even investigating the incident, which was never true to begin with. There were multiple witnesses who stated that I was never sleeping but that is over and done with. It seemed like ever since that incident occurred that I was getting picked on more and more at work for things, some of which I wasn't even involved in. So with the stress adding up from the first incident to staff messages regarding things I had no idea about or no control over, I put in my two week notice.      At first I was sad that I was giving my notice but when I went to my manager, she grabbed the piece of paper and just...

     It is amazing to me that after all of the ups and downs life has thrown at me, I have finally found an amazing man who treats me like a princess but also knows when to let me do things on my own. This amazing relationship stemmed from a bet on a UFC fight and I am so grateful that it happened. I normally don't go out or watch too many UFC fights at bars or pubs but my best friend talked me into going and I'm glad she did. He loves me for me and he is the best cuddle bug ever. He has helped me experience so many new things that I've never done before like driving a manual (finally!), and eating raw tuna, which to my surprise is really tasty. We get each other. We understand each others sense of humor and we can be ourselves. It is still new but I have no doubt that we will be making memories and making each other happy for a long time. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and I feel like we entered each others lives for a pur...

     Trying to avoid my favorite bad food places such as Sonic, Starbucks, and Dunkin Donuts is extremely hard. It's also hard when I see people eating or drinking things I love from certain places. I have to say no. I have to fight the cravings and the routine of stopping there before or after work. It is hard to try to make good choices when your significant other does not make good choices and influences you to eat like shit. I used to be so healthy and now I find it harder than ever to get back into that rhythm. Learning to say no for a stress eater is like a drug addict or alcoholic learning to say no. It is hard and that is why I applaud myself for small steps like drinking half a gallon of water per day or not stopping at Starbucks. It sounds simple but it isn't. I know I will eventually get back into my mind set I just have to eliminate bad things slowly but surely.

     Letting my eating get out of control and almost reaching 200lbs was a choice. Eating foods that other people were eating around me when I knew I shouldn't be eating it was a choice. I have been noticing things that I've never experienced before like my knees hurting when I walk too much or being winded after climbing three flights of stairs at work. My bras and jeans don't fit at all. You could call this the summer of dresses because that is literally all that fits me. I used to be healthy. I used to care what I ate and I loved fueling my body with tasty, healthy foods. It is time to get back to that. Lately I've been going to the gym at least three times a week. It is a lot of cardio but once I start slimming down I want to start weight training and lifting. Next summer I don't want to be ashamed to wear a bathing suit or feel like everyone is staring at my thighs when I wear shorts.I want to be able to wear whatever the hell I want without worrying if my back...

     Each time I drive my dads truck, so many memories start coming back to me. This is the truck I curb hopped in the day I got my drivers permit. "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White Ts was on the radio and my dad said that was a sign I would pass and I did. For years I rode in this truck to bass fishing tournaments. We also took this truck to his work to fish on the docks. There were so many trips to the ABC store. My dad called it the "American Boys Club". This is the truck that pulled his landscaping trailer. I would meet him at his customers yards to help and she would be sitting on the side streets. I named her Whitey. When I was younger my dad would ask which truck I wanted to take and I would always choose her. It still seems unreal not to see my dad driving her or hear him pull up to my house and start cutting my grass or start trimming my gardenia and azalea bushes. Learning to live without someone you love is so hard. Not meeting my dad for dinner afte...

     These last few weeks my emotional eating habits have been extreme. I have gained five plus pounds due to stress and/or habit. I get Dunkin or Starbucks coffee almost every day of the week out of habit. Not only are those drinks loaded with sugar and calories but my wallet isn't appreciating it either. And another thing is the milkshake craze. Almost every night I talk my boyfriend into getting us milkshakes or blizzards from Dairy Queen. What the hell am I thinking? I was doing so well. I started 80 Day Obsession 4 weeks ago and I was loving it. My eating wasn't great but it was better than it had been. And now that has all gone out the window. I have to put my emotional eating to rest. No more coffees every day or milkshakes. Since I've gained all of this weight, I might start going to the gym to do cardio to help jump start losing this fat. Once I tone down I will start 80 Day Obsession over again. I will be weighing in tomorrow morning and taking new body shots. I...

     Today as I walked up the driveway to one of my fathers favorite customers to deliver a thank you card, I burst into tears. This was the yard I helped him weed and plant cucumbers and tomato plants. This was the woman he spoke so highly of and brought her sausage biscuits from Hardees. She couldn't have them often because of her gout but once in a while he would hang one on the mailbox outside her front door since she is elderly. We would help her move things and put bird food in her feeders. Sodas were too heavy for her to lift so we would stock her fridge. There are some days that I really can't believe my dad is gone until things happen like this and hits me. It hits me right in the heart. It makes me realize that he is no longer here to share is work day with me or cook me dinner. He won't be here to make crabs this summer or attend any more bass tournaments. He loved fishing so much. I try to pretend like I'm okay but I'm not. I try to be strong but I reall...

     Lately I find myself asking "what am I doing with my life" more and more. I quit my job because I need a mental break. I have been trying to get my dads assets and finances straight, along with packing some of my things, selling his things, and trying to maintain my bills and household. I shouldn't have stopped working but I seriously was not here. I was just existing. The day my father passed away I was out for that whole week but it wasn't a fun week. I was planning his memorial and looking for documents and all kinds of things. When I ask myself what am I doing with my life, I don't know if it is in general or if I am just looking for things I need to change. I know for a fact I'm not happy. I've gained a lot of weight, I feel like crap, and my motivation does not exist. The fact that I failed my entrance exam for the RN program by ONE POINT doesn't help either. I just want to be happy. I want to be healthy and feel good. I want to make others ...

     For the last 6 days I have been doing the program 21 Day Fix. I love working out. It makes me feel so good afterwards and it helps me manage my stress and anxiety. My problem is my eating habits. Most of the time I end up binge eating because I will tell myself I don't need something like a Reese's or a coffee from Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks and then I end up getting it or both. I think it is more out of habit than a need as far as the coffee goes. This has to stop. It's mind over matter. I don't need the coffee and I don't need to be wasting money and calories on it either. Sometimes I feel like my binge eating and cravings take over and I don't have enough will power to stop it. Today I got a Starbucks beverage and I really want it to be my last one for a while. I just want to see what changes happen to my body by not drinking it. I can do this.

     For the last couple of weeks I have been asking myself what I want to do with my life. Yes I love being a nurse but my current job does not allow me to help those in true need. I don't even take vital signs unless the machine reads wrong or if someone has a reaction and that is rare. I love people and I love being positive and helping others. I'm just not sure which direction to take in life. Geriatrics holds a special place in my heart because I took care of my grandma until she passed away and that is why I chose nursing and worked as a certified nurse aide throughout LPN school. I also like motivating people to live healthier lives and have a positive mindset. There are so many directions I could take career wise but U don't know where to start in order to help with someones nutritional goals and weight loss, and there are no long term care or assisted living facilities hiring near me for LPNs. They want medication aides and cnas. My search isn't over. I will co...

     Recently I have had no motivation to go to the gym. Work is not enjoyable for me anymore and I just want to lay in bed and be left alone. I started off so well. I was in the gym 6 days a week and I started feeling good and looking good. I'm sure I feel this way due to all of the family things going on right now and losing my father. I've gained a lot of weight within the last two weeks due to stress eating. The foods I've been eating are ones I know I shouldn't be eating but I do. After I eat  I sk myself why would i eat that when I know I don't need it. Therapy is too expensive so I decided to buy an adult coloring book. It is actually soothing. It makes me feel calm and distracted. I know my motivation is somewhere inside I just have to really stick to a healthier lifestyle when I start over, yet again.

     Each day it is getting easier for me to talk about my dad and think about him without crying in front of people. The week I lost him I cried myself to sleep each night begging for it to be a dream, but sadly it is reality. Today at the gym I started thinking about how he would text me around three or four in the evening asking if I was eating out for dinner. Whenever I said yes he would reply with a simple "k" and when I wasn't he would tell me to come down and eat dinner with him. I cherish every single time I went there to eat with him and talk like we always did. He would make a mixed drink and we would watch the channels that played concerts like KISS or Motley Crue. I miss those dinner texts so much. But my last dinner with him was on my birthday and the last thing I said to him was that I loved him. There is nothing in this world that could take away the loneliness and heartbreak I am feeling but I will heal enough eventually to continue my life and keep him in...

     On Monday January 29, 2018, the man upstairs had bigger and better plans for you dad. I got the dreaded phone call at work that no one would ever want to receive. I was doing 105 mph on the interstate to get to you before they took you away from me. You looked so peaceful. I am so glad that you went in your sleep and not another way. This has already started off as the worst year of my life as well as the worst birthday in history. I am beyond happy that I came to see you on my birthday Sunday after I went to the gym. When I got to the house, you told me there were left over fried potatoes and onions in your fridge and that you had got me an ice cream cake. While I was making my plate of potatoes, you went into the living room and grabbed my birthday check. You even wrote "Not for bills, Happy Birthday" in the memo because you always knew I was stressing about paying the many bills I have. You kissed me on my right cheek and we hugged. I sat down at the table and sta...

     Lately I have been really wanting to go back to school. It has always been my ultimate goal to have my BSN. I have worked my way from a CNA to a LPN and now I am wanting to go back for my RN. But I've been asking myself if I really want to deal with the stress, studying, early clinicals, and case studies. Plus I'm horrible at math and I know there is going to be math on the placement exam for the program. Another lady I went to LPN school is debating about the same thing. She wants to go back to the school we graduated from but it is so much money since they are a for-profit school. Good universities in my area want statistics, chemistry, and college algebra. Those classes alone would take me forever because math is my worst enemy. I don't even want to go back just for higher pay (although that is a plus). I want to be able to tell people I'm a RN when they ask what I do or what I am. It's always been my number one goal and I think I need to start truly decidin...

     We all know I am the queen of taking social media breaks but never sticking to them. I have decided that on February 1st, I will take ANOTHER break from social media to focus on my weight loss and healthy eating habits. I have took a before picture on January 1st and I plan to take this break for 117 days. Why 117 days you ask? Because if I start this break on the first and last 117 days, it will be Memorial Day and that is when everyone officially breaks out the bikinis and open the pools and beaches. I'm not expecting major results since I just got back into these healthier habits, but I'd like to see what type of progress I can make without distractions. I have noticed I often find myself comparing my body to the bodies of celebrities I see on my news feed or while I'm scrolling through my Instagram. It makes me feel like I have an overwhelming amount of work to do and I don't want to rush. I also don;t want to stress myself out about this weight loss stuff sinc...

     After work on Saturday, I had the random urge to finally go to the gym and I am proud to say that today was my third day going in a row! I think I have finally conquered my fear of going to the gym since my anxiety is under control. This is something I have been wanting to do again for the last year and half. I basically told myself on the way to the gym that these are people and I am a person. No one is here to judge me or hurt me. We are all here at the gym for the same reasons: to look good naked and look good this summer. Through positive self talk and focusing on myself, especially my breathing, I did what I set out to do. Anxiety is all a mind game. You have to stay focused and remember that it is mind over matter. The thoughts that anxiety creates inside the mind of someone suffering from it are all made up. They are silly. They mean nothing. These thoughts are there to do what anxiety is made for which is hyping someone up and making them breathe too fast, ge...

     At the beginning of this month, I was serious about starting my health journey over again. I bought a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables and started cooking more chicken to help me stay on track. The worst part about trying to get healthy again after battling the ups and downs life throws at us is trying to be serious and get back in the rhythm. I was working out 3, 4, sometimes 5 days a week up until recently when something happened to my back. I don't know if my form was bad when doing planks or mountain climbers or if I didn't warm up enough, but my back has killed me for the last several days. Working out and eating healthy isn't a problem for me since I love sweating and feeling bad ass after a workout. I could live off of fruits, vegetables, and salads, It's what I eat in between my workouts and healthy meals that is keeping me from reaching my goals. I have a horrible habit of buying Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts coffee even if I brew coffee before work at my h...