Changing is hard.

     Now that I'm back in this "I'm going to lose weight mode", I've been obsessing over what I eat. I don't like eating at all honestly because it makes me feel fat and bad about myself once I'm done. I shouldn't feel like that though because I'm not eating bad foods. I guess I just feel that no matter what I eat the calories won't be burned so I'll be fat either way. I'm not as big as I could be but I'm big enough to want this change. Seeing pictures of fit girls in their bikinis at the beach makes me want to work even harder. Never in my life have I felt confident in my bikini. I want that. I want to be able to just walk around the beach without covering up and worrying over what people see what look at me.
     I brought my workout clothes and shoes to my dads house this weekend. Hopefully I won't be too lazy to workout. I plan on walking/jogging around the neighborhood. Maybe I can find someone to go to the rec center and workout with me there too. It's not that I'm lazy, I just don't use my energy like I should. Whenever I see the women at the gym across the street working out with their personal trainer I always wish that could be me. I wish I had time in the morning to get up and work out and feel great about it. But after work I'm tired, then when I get to my evening classes, I'm even more tired. To be honest, sleep is more important to me right now than working out. At least my eating habits have changed. At least I'm taking baby steps in the right direction.
     There are a number of reasons why I don't workout like I should. First off, I hate doing it alone. I would love to jog or walk around my neighborhood every night but no one will go with me. I don't want to be picked up by a weirdo and I also don't want people looking at a fat girl trying to lose weight. Second, I have an elliptical. I put it on layaway at Kmart and paid near $400 for it. Do I use it now? Rarely and that is because I would rather play volleyball or do something moving for hours than ride that thing for even 30 minutes. It gets old quick. Lastly, I always end up talking myself out of it. "I'm too fat anyways" or "It's not going to help". I have no hope sometimes. I need more motivation. I need to just do it. I have to stop making excuses and reasons for not working out and building my dream body. I have seen a small difference in my waist area. My shorts feel a little loose too. I haven't had soda in forever and no fast food lately. The only thing I can do is keep trying. It isn't going to be easy but even if it takes me 3 more years to get my "dream body" then that is what it will have to take.

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