This Thing Called Life

     Hey guys! I haven't written in a little while because I've been so busy with work. I'm so grateful to have a three day weekend for Christmas. I have started selling Perfectly Posh products again. I need a hobby and I figured I would try running my small little business again for some extra money to pay off some debt and put some money into my savings. Please check out my site  here and see if anything looks interesting to you. Also you could always become a consultant and run your own business as well! If you have any questions about joining or about any of the products you're interested in, please let me know. Happy Holidays everyone!

     Looking back at pictures from last summer, I realize how much weight I have put on and it has to change. I have been eating out a lot recently since I have a new boyfriend and I feel gross. My stomach constantly feels bloated, my clothes are tighter, and I have no motivation to work out. It is hard for me because deep down in my mind I want to make the right choice but he isn't as self conscious or health conscious as I am so I always give in to fast food or eating our at places like Applebees or Mexican restaurants. The food tastes great but I don't look or feel great. My current weight is the highest I have ever been in my life. I try to explain to my boyfriend how I feel but it seems like he doesn't care since he doesn't have the self esteem issues that I have. He always says he will change and workout and eat healthy but it only lasts for one meal then he is back to eating bad foods. It is so hard being in a relationship with someone who isn't motivated to

     Depression can take a hold of someone and make them feel as though they have no way out but to end their life. People get depressed for different reasons. Some are depressed without even knowing. I knew I was depressed when I started thinking about suicide and ways to do it. Even though I never attempted it, it worried me knowing I was thinking of different ways I could try to do it. The one major thing that kept me alive on this earth was my family and close friends. How would they feel? Who would find me? What else could I have accomplished during my life if I stayed alive? My parents wouldn't see me get married or have children. Everything I worked so hard for would have been useless. That's why I am still here. That's why I share my story more openly now instead of hiding my fights with what I call my "dark place". Losing my close friend at the end of August made me start asking what was so bad that she couldn't have gone to therapy or talked to a clo

     For almost four months now I have been hanging out with this guy. He is very nice, works hard, and he is also going to school for a couple of degrees. We have a great time when we are together but we are still not "officially" labeled girlfriend and boyfriend. I'm not sure if he is making sure he wants to be in a relationship with me (I can be crazy and weird) or if he doesn't know how to tell me that he wants to be just friends/friends with benefits. Honestly I'm not trying to rush into a relationship or anything but it would be nice to know what he is thinking. I don't ask because I don't want to seem clingy or needy. But at the same time I don't want to waste my time developing feelings for someone when they don't feel the same way. Should I ask? Should I wait on him? I'm kind of lost. I'm not sure what to do.

     The other day I went to Barnes and Noble with the guy I'm currently dating so he could pick up textbooks for his new semester and it made me sad that I was no longer in school. After LPN school I kept telling people it drained me and that it would be too expensive to go back. Plus I feared my anxiety and depression would hold me back. But today I looked at the college site that currently offers the LPN to BSN program I've always wanted to attend and I have decided I will go back and get my Bachelors because that has been my long term career goal for the longest time. Yes, that means more loans, care plans, tears, stress, and hair pulling but I will do it. My plan is to pay off my community college, enroll again, take the placement tests, and knock out the prerequisites I need to apply to the BSN program. My plan after paying off my community college is to ask if I can have Mondays and Wednesdays off or Tuesdays and Thursdays so I can take more than one class to get them do

     Due to having so many bills along with my student loan payments, I had to deposit the $70 I was saving for myself in order to stay afloat after paying rent and power. Work has it's good days and bad, mostly bad and stressful since we are short staffed and new rules are always being created for us to follow. I've been searching for a second job to work part time to help me save money and fix things around my house. I have two leaks in my roof, my car needs tires and a windshield, and I need a new front door to my house since my current one is rotting. No ones life is stress free but once some of my loans get paid off and I fix things around my house, I will be able to sleep better. Until then I will be constantly stressing every month wondering if my checks will be enough to cover bills, put gas in my car, and food in my stomach.

     Last week I was put on Lexapro to help control my panic attacks and depression. I already feel better in that department. At my Neuro visit last week he wanted me to get my blood drawn which included a CBC, liver function panel, and a smooth muscle antibody. Everything came back great except for my CBC. My MPV was high (13) which can indicate I'm fighting an autoimmune disorder or maybe my medication just elevates it, which is what I'm hoping for. Also my monos were elevated which indicates I could be fighting an infection. After work I dropped off a copy of my results to his office so hopefully I can get an appointment to talk with him. I'm hoping this is nothing serious. It just seems like as soon as I start getting better, something in my life happens and screws everything up.

     Thursday I took off from work to finally get my eye exam and order glasses. I have an astigmatism but no signs of glaucoma or cataracts which is always good considering my family members have all kinds of vision issues. I also had my 6 month follow up with my neurologist. I have been seizure free for one year and some change so he decided we will continue with the Keppra to control those. While I was at my appointment I decided to discuss this anxious feeling I constantly have and how recently I've been having panic attacks on the interstate and in large stores like Wal-Mart. Anxiety is something I've always dealt with but here lately it has become very bad. Panic attacks are new to me. I've been feeling lonely and sad. At night I cry myself to sleep. Sometimes I think I'm actually depressed (not just feeling sad type of depressed) so hopefully this Lexapro will help with both issues. I'm tired of feeling this way. I just want to be myself again, carefree and h

     When I first got dumped I put on this front like I'm okay but in reality I'm not. I was drinking alcohol like a fish, taking Xanax when I didn't need it, and I was seeking attention from guys for all of the wrong reasons. I'm miserable. I feel like no one wants me and I'm going to die alone. All I do is work and to occupy my time and mind I've been trying to find another part time job just so I can be around people and feel less pathetic. It completely sucks when you love someone and give them your all and then they just leave you like you never mattered or even existed in their life. The truth of the matter is that I'm not ready to move on or meet guys. I don't even want a booty call. I want to share life with someone and build memories. I want to get married some day and have kids. At this point in my life, which is a really low point, I feel like none of that will ever happen because no one wants me. I'm depressed but I haven't resorted b

     After adding up my total for money wasted this month on Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts, the bars, and fast food, I realized I had to stop. $371.65 could have paid off some debt I owe and it also could have been an extra car payment. Looking at my life at this moment made me realize I want things in life that I will have to work hard for and be strict with my spending. By 2022, I want my own house on a few acres so I can have people over for a bonfire and just enjoy life. I would also like to have a better paying nursing job so I can eventually buy a truck. I've always been a hard worker and a go-getter so I really need to be  aware of what I am spending my money on and make sure it is not on useless things like fake hamburgers or sugar loaded coffees. From here on out until I reach my 2022 goal, I will be pinching pennies and saving as much money as possible.

     Starting May 1st, I'm going dark and leaving some people and habits behind. I need to start focusing more on my emotions and deal with this anxiety and depression correctly. Drinking alcohol all the time to help me fall asleep and sometimes cry myself to sleep is not healthy. Lately I've been going out to drink and dance and one thing I noticed is how pathetic men can be. They expect you to sleep with them just because they buy you a drink which is ridiculous. What happened to the good old days when a guy actually asks to go on a date, take you dancing, go for ice cream, and then a cute good night kiss when he drops you off? I know there are still women out there thinking if this still exists. Maybe I'm just being bitter since I got dumped and had my heart crushed but I know one day there will be a guy who thinks I am everything he ever needed and wanted. Right now I'm bent but I'm not completely broken. I still have hopes that there are good guys out there som

     Working two jobs is something I never thought I would have to do again since I'm a nurse. When my former boyfriend was living with me he paid rent so instead of saving money, I put that money towards other bills and debt to get them paid off quicker. When he left me I was at a loss for words and now I'm realizing I need more money in order to stay afloat and stay ahead. I stress constantly due to my anxiety and now searching for another job has me even more stressed out. I need so many things for myself and for my house. There is no way I can afford to pay my bills and buy things I need (like a windshield for my car) with the amount of money I'm making. I'm not sure if I want to get a second part time nursing job like at a nursing home or if I want something different like waitressing or retail. My main goal is to get my car paid off, knock out my student loans, and buy the things I need and save some then I will quit the second job. I have worked so hard to get to

     I figured I would share some things you will encounter working as an intake nurse. These don't occur all of the time, but they do most.

     I am taking another break from Facebook yet again. Stalking my ex will not change the outcome of our situation and I need to use some time to focus on myself.

     Spending two years of your life with someone and having them just up and leave you is hard. When my boyfriend first left me two weeks ago I went through the first phase of grieving, sadness. All of our memories, future plans, favorite places to eat, and movie nights were gone. All of the trips we took together meant nothing. Then I got angry. How can he "love" me then just leave. No couple is perfect we had our fair share of issues, but I know that no matter what someone goes through, you don't just leave them like a bag of trash on the side of the road. My intuition told me that he would leave and go home once he was out of the military but I didn't want my gut to be right. I thought he was the one. I thought we would start a life together. I was faithful the whole two years and some change, including an eight month deployment and every under way. And this is what I get. No notice that he was even thinking about going home. I have to pinch my pennies to pay all

     It is amazing how life can change in the blink of an eye. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and some change and Friday/this weekend, he dropped a huge bomb on me. I knew going into this relationship the question of whether he would move back home to his parents when he got out of the military would arise, but I never thought I would be right about his ultimate decision. A few months prior to this event, he told me he was hoping to find a job here so that we could stay together which I was happy to hear. I love him and my family loves him and it would break my heart if he left me. But my intuition was telling me that he would end up going home since he hasn't been home in 5 years with his family since joining. This weekend, that intuition reared its ugly head and my boyfriend didn't come home to me like always. He sent me a message saying he needed to think about his life and he needed time to himself to think. I didn't hear from him all day while I wa

     In January I wanted to restart my weight loss journey and be 150lbs by the end of the month. Here it is February 16 and I still weight just as much as I did when I started. Why can't I commit like I did last year? I think it is mainly due to the fact that by the time I get off work, fight traffic on the way home, and sit down once I'm inside, exhaustion hits me like a brick and eating out is just easy. The only weight loss type of goal/resolution I have been faithful with is not having any soda. I'm still 97 days strong. I need to find motivation and just make myself work out and make healthier choices. Losing weight is extremely difficult, especially when you lost it all once, see how you have changed (physically, not for the better) and know summer will be here before you know it. I have started my diet over literally like 5 times since the beginning of January. It's ridiculous. It seems like every week I say I'll start over tomorrow or I'll get serious o

     I'm only five months into my nursing career and I have learned so much! Every day I learn something new at my job and I love it. The hard work during and after nursing school is totally worth it!

     Hey guys! I decided to make a video entailing what a typical day at work is like for me. I love my job and I am so grateful to be able to help women take care of themselves!

    Anxiety is one of the worst feelings in the world. Just remember to breathe, get things done early so you can be ahead, and if your anxiety interferes with your daily life, please seek help.

     Recently I went one week without looking at Facebook. I completely deleted the app from my phone and it made me realize a few things. The first thing I noticed right away was the amount of data I saved. My work has wifi but I don't know the code so when I was scrolling through my feed on my lunch break or down time, I wasting a lot of my data. All week I was able to use that spare data to listen to Pandora to and from work. The second thing I realized was the urge to check my newsfeed. After the second day of deleting the app, I had no desire to even wonder what I was missing from my feed. I knew deep down it would be the same political posts and memes, people wanting pity for their lives, and the same people complaining about something no one cares about. The last thing I noticed was how happy and stress free I was. I didn't have to look at memes or long rants that pissed me off or made me want to scream.Today when I installed the app and logged in. I realized I didn'

     Today I have decided that I will be logging out of Facebook and deleting the app from my phone for a week. There is so much political racist garbage on my feed it is sad. I am also sick and tired of seeing the same people seeking pity from others because they choose to live a shit life.No one can change things for you but yourself. Stop blaming every one for the way your life has turned out. You control your life. I have tried to leave Facebook behind in the past but ended up using it again to communicate with my boyfriend when he was out at sea. Now that he is home, I feel like I can actually go one week without my news feed and see where it takes me. I'm hoping to leave Facebook behind for a year at some point because we all know I love challenging myself. I am going to keep track of things I get accomplished since I won't be wasting time scrolling through a pointless news feed.

     Here we are two days into the new year and I have already missed a workout. My anxiety has been super high lately and I do not understand why. I'm happy with my life. I have a great job, my bills are paid, and I'm slowly changing my eating habits like I've been wanting too. I had a mound of laundry to complete today and tons of dishes in the sink so I tackled those today. It's not like I was completely stagnant today not doing anything, but I know I would feel better and more accomplished if I would of completed a workout. Tomorrow is another day and I will workout after work. I have to get back in the mindset that if I don't make changes and work hard to see results, then no changes will be made and my goals will be a waste.

     Today I didn't work out like I should of but I blame the weather. It was wet and nasty out plus my roof started leaking and I also tackled my mound of laundry and dishes in the kitchen. First slack day of the year....I need more ideas to help keep myself motivated!